The freedom I knew was gone forever

2004. I said “I do” when deep inside I didn’t want it. I read the small print and I did it anyway. I had been made to shrink and felt embarrassed to go back. I’d be showing weakness, lack of character, admitting defeat.

What I really wanted was to be left alone. I felt used. And took it all as a sign, as my mission, to change someone that wasn’t yet ready to change. In that process I lost myself. I was scared so I became nul.

The freedom I knew was gone forever and I can never get it back. My spark, my joy, my self-esteem, my life, gone.

I did find freedom again, but it looks different. Possibilities feel diminished, different, less flexible. Time did not stop. It waits for no one. It’s impossible to catch up. Time is unforgiving. Maybe next time.